Oysters the way God intended, on the half shell.

Recipe: Petty Patties of Oysters in 7 Steps

For this one, we’re digging into 1737’s The Whole Duty of a Woman: Or, an Infallible Guide to the Fair Sex… What do they mean by patty? Like a burger? And why is it petty? Well, let’s take a look:

“Get as many Oysters in the Shells as you would make Patties, then mince the Melts and Flesh of Carps, Tenches, Pikes, and the Flesh of Eels; season all this with Pepper, Salt, pounded Cloves and White Wine; wrap your Oysters in it, of which only one is to be put in each Patty, with a little fresh Butter. Bake them, and serve them hot, either as Hors d’Oevres, or for Garnishing.”

— The Whole Duty of a Woman… 1737 (p. 279)

In case you want to ruin your oysters by stuffing them in a fish burger, this is how.

Step 1

Let’s mull this over for a moment before we begin.

Pick a pot of petty patties…of oysters?

But why are the oyster patties petty? Are they the kind of petty patty who points  out that the last time they picked up the check you ordered three glasses of wine, but when you picked up the check they only ordered one glass? Is that the kind of petty we’re talking about here?

I assume this is something like a fish burger with a surprise oyster in the middle? And why do you need to mix four different kinds of fish with the oysters? Aren’t you losing the whole beauty of an oyster this way? The answer is clearly yes.

Step 2

“Get as many Oysters in the Shells as you would make Patties”

These people are serious about gathering oysters by the wheelbarrow.

Translation:

Have an oyster for every patty you want to make. Check.

Step 3

“mince the Melts and Flesh of Carps, Tenches, Pikes, and the Flesh of Eels“

Just pile all the fish flesh like so.

Translation:

I guess just throw every kind of fish you can think of in there? Okay, but what are melts? I know fins, gills, scales eyeball, tail, which part of the fish is the melt?

Step 4

“season all this with Pepper, Salt, pounded Cloves and White Wine“

 

A little of this, a little of that.

Translation:

Just grab everything out of the pantry and throw it in with the fish flesh mixture. And don’t forget the wine, for the love of all that is holy. How else are you supposed to cope with the way you’re ruining these oysters?

Step 5

“wrap your Oysters in it, of which only one is to be put in each Patty, with a little fresh Butter”

This guy isn’t letting you ruin his oysters without a fight. He’ll just eat them all first.

Translation:

Take your poor oysters and wrap all that fish flesh mixture around them and form them into patties. I do respect that pat of butter going you’re supposed to sneak in there. That’s a class A move.

Step 6

“Bake them, and serve them hot”

 

Sorry, but this is sort of what I’m picturing here. Minus the bun and cheese, obviously, oh and the tartar sauce.

Translation:

Bake those patties until they’re unrecognizable, and then…

Step 7

“either as Hors d’Oevres, or for Garnishing”

This girl is begging you to please never do anything but serve oysters on the half shell.

Translation:

All this work for some hors d’oevres or garnish? No way, man. These oyster abominations should at least be the main course, or what was all this work for?